“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
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Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
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Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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Business is booming.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Google reviews are always so mixed..
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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Me: Sold!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
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