If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals