“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.