Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
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I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Seals are just dog mermaids.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.