I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
🙂🙃🥹
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.