I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
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Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
new wife guy just dropped
never ask a starfish for directions
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird