[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
You Might Also Like
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.