“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers