First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
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if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.