I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
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her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My inexpensive home security system…
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.