love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?