If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
OH. COME. ON.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in