It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch