Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
You Might Also Like
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.