My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.