I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.