I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Hank is one in a melon.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid