Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
You Might Also Like
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Penguins walking in 5x speed
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.