A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
this could fix me
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”