Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit