her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!