*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
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Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.