E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
You Might Also Like
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I wanna be friends with this person
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.