Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.