Monday?
No. Next question.
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.