If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I was just discussing this with my cat
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Brb my Sims are getting married
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos