[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
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*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I am crying
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault