The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.