“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
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Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable