waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.