I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here