Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
😜
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid