Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
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Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.