Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
fourth time’s the charm