“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Girl, same.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
God has left this place
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?