deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”