wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.