Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human