Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.