told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye