Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
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I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
#ParentingFacts
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
This squirrel eats better than I do