I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
This is me
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.