When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
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why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
🤣🤣
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you