Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
It was worth a shot 😂
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
The game has officially changed 😎
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.