Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.