It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything