Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun