Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Discuss
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now