(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
There is wisdom there.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.