The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
and this one
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
#catsoftwitter
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation